Dating and Relationships
The usually interesting Diotima points toward a Washington Post story that is clearly the best thing I've read lately about the state of modern romance. I'm not sure I agree with it 100%, of course, but the issues it raises and its general tone point toward a lot of what I've been saying about the current relationship scene.
The springboard for the article is the whole "death of dating" meme, presenting a woman-centered argument that people were better off with the dating conventions of previous generations than they are with today's hook-up culture and frequent ambiguous relationships. A common reason is that women today have surrendered control over how relationships are defined. I'm more concerned with social health and learning to relate to other people.
I've become convinced society lost something important with the death of casual dating and "dating around," an opinion shared by no less an authority than Miss Manners herself. In the new environment, romance as a means by which people of appropriate gender interact with each other has been replaced by sexuality, with all its attendant dangers and responsibilities, as well as its frequent lack of concerned emotional content. At the same time dating itself and its romantic precursors have been elevated to the realm of extreme seriousness to the point where holding someone's coat for them might easily be mistaken for the immediate precursor to discussing what to name your children.
This isn't just about some desire in me to find an outlet for non-sexual romantic tendencies. I can also see much of the criticism of dating as "a 'game,' full of artifice and role-playing." However, if such social games and rituals become more important guides to the relationship than the feelings of the people involved, the fault is with the people, not the customs designed to enable them free expression. In addition, the loss of the dating vehicle forces people to choose between being firmly committed or being alone, resulting in a loss of relationship experience that I believe makes people too often unhappy in the short term and more prone to relationship mistakes in the long term.
I do think some may be idealizing the past, as I can see ambiguities arising in the 1960's over whether a couple should become serious, and people who were desparate to find someone to marry immediately would be desperate regardless. At the same time, people in modern culture should theoretically be able to control their relationships even without the aid of protective customs - this is a question of communication, respect, and assertiveness. But unfortunately, too many don't even consider the possibilities for doing that. And we're all poorer as a result.
The springboard for the article is the whole "death of dating" meme, presenting a woman-centered argument that people were better off with the dating conventions of previous generations than they are with today's hook-up culture and frequent ambiguous relationships. A common reason is that women today have surrendered control over how relationships are defined. I'm more concerned with social health and learning to relate to other people.
I've become convinced society lost something important with the death of casual dating and "dating around," an opinion shared by no less an authority than Miss Manners herself. In the new environment, romance as a means by which people of appropriate gender interact with each other has been replaced by sexuality, with all its attendant dangers and responsibilities, as well as its frequent lack of concerned emotional content. At the same time dating itself and its romantic precursors have been elevated to the realm of extreme seriousness to the point where holding someone's coat for them might easily be mistaken for the immediate precursor to discussing what to name your children.
This isn't just about some desire in me to find an outlet for non-sexual romantic tendencies. I can also see much of the criticism of dating as "a 'game,' full of artifice and role-playing." However, if such social games and rituals become more important guides to the relationship than the feelings of the people involved, the fault is with the people, not the customs designed to enable them free expression. In addition, the loss of the dating vehicle forces people to choose between being firmly committed or being alone, resulting in a loss of relationship experience that I believe makes people too often unhappy in the short term and more prone to relationship mistakes in the long term.
I do think some may be idealizing the past, as I can see ambiguities arising in the 1960's over whether a couple should become serious, and people who were desparate to find someone to marry immediately would be desperate regardless. At the same time, people in modern culture should theoretically be able to control their relationships even without the aid of protective customs - this is a question of communication, respect, and assertiveness. But unfortunately, too many don't even consider the possibilities for doing that. And we're all poorer as a result.
posted by Brian Ulrich at
5:51 PM
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